I've been thinking about how to do this for a while now. I didn't want to announce it to the internet as soon as I found out for multiple reasons; I wanted a guarantee it would happen, I wanted to know I liked it, I wanted to actually have something to say about it without simply sounding like I was bragging.
So here goes: I got a job.
Yep, we got there. There was a lot of moaning along the way - as my boyfriend will attest to - but here I am in my third week of an actual, real-life, adult job.
As for this diary entry? Well, I'm not just using it to tell you all that I am employed: I'm going to deep dive into some feelings.
At the moment, I'm really happy. But I really, really wasn't before I got this job. And to me, it's very important for me to address the mental state I was in before I started working because there was a very quick turn around and other people should know that it does turn around (though I'm going to try my best to not sound extremely cliché).
How I got here...
This all happened rather suddenly to be honest with you. Between the interview and my first day, there was only 10 days, just 1 week between being told I had the job and walking into the building for day 1. That's terrifying.
Before that though, there was (literally) hundreds of applications. And I'm not using literally in a dramatic millennial sense. I mean that I applied to more than a hundred jobs. I got a bit loose with keeping track somewhere in the middle of the process, but it may well have been over 200. I'm not telling you this to scare you; not everyone will need to make this many applications to get their first job, I promise you that. But it's important to me that I'm honest with people who read this. Sometimes it isn't an easy journey from the end of university to your first job and it takes work. As monotonous as it is, you cannot be lazy about the application process. You have to keep plugging away, you have to write and rewrite your cover letter, edit your CV to find out what works, and email countless numbers of faceless corporations in order to find your place.
I don't want to put you off, I want to be realistic. People around you might appear to do half the work you do before they get a job but everyone has their own journey. Personally, I was surrounded by a massive mix of people - both in terms of how structured their future plans were, and what discipline they were interested in. This was brilliant for me because I never felt like I was competing with anyone, and it was reassuring to find that everyone struggled and we could motivate each other.
So my answer as to how I got here? Through a lot of hard work and persistence (and also tears). That's the unfortunate truth of the job search; nobody can do it for you, and very few people can help you with it. But believe me when I say, you have the strength to do it.
Mental Health...
That leads nicely on to what I want the main bulk of this diary entry to focus on. My mental health is something I try to be open with, at least with those closest to me, but I'm not sure anyone can ever truly understand another person's mental state. Despite that, I'll try my best to explain to you how I felt for the last six months, because it was an unexpected side-effect of job-searching and definitely needs to be talked about.
I started applying for jobs when I started my final year of uni. It wasn't a big deal, I'd just do a quick, vague search when I had some spare time. That lasted a while, things didn't have to be too serious. Then suddenly we reached January; I had less than 6 months left at uni, deadlines for graduate schemes had mostly passed, and I didn't really know what career I wanted.
This is totally okay. There's a hell of a lot out there and sometimes you're not going to know what it is you want to do until you experience some of it. But coming to terms with that was quite hard. It took a lot of work to figure out a) what I wanted to do and b) that I didn't have to apply to things I didn't want. more
After graduation, I didn't know what to do with myself. I thought I'd have something lined up by then, I thought things would be sorted, there would be a next step. Instead, I reached the top of the staircase to find a dozen doors at the top, each closed so I couldn't know which one to walk through.
My mood went up and down within a day, swinging back and forth unpredictably. I never fully reached happy - at least not when I was at home doing nothing. If I was out socialising then my mood was definitely up, but nothing about job searching ever reached above a level of determination, and even then determination rarely lasted long.
Maybe all of this sounds dramatic to you, and I won't lie it felt dramatic to me at the time. Why couldn't I regulate my mood? Why couldn't I see that this wouldn't last forever? I guess the answer is because I've never been in that position before. I like to have a full understanding of what I'm meant to be doing, one of my biggest fears is failure and in order to ensure I don't fail I'm inclined to have full explanations of what is expected of me. When no one is expecting anything of me, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
With no expectations to meet but my own, I repeatedly felt I was failing myself because I asked unrealistic things of myself...and that just left me feeling utterly defeated.
It's hypocritical of me, but please please don't do this to yourself. It was unhealthy to put myself down the way I did, to tell myself I needed to get a job or I was worthless. It was also a massive lie. No ones worth is ever dependent on their job - whether they have one or not. Being offered the role obviously had a massive effect on my overall mood because that relief is undeniable, but no matter how desperately you need a job (because I realise that not everyone's journey is to find the right job, but sometimes just to find a job) you are a whole and wonderful person without one.
What I do now...
Three weeks ago I walked into the office for the first time, surprisingly calm and honestly unsure how I'd got there, but trying my best to smile and act confident. The people I now work with were unbelievably welcoming and made me feel right at home. I got assigned a mentor who was willing to be open with me straight away, meaning I'm willing to ask him questions no matter how silly I think they sound in my head. I'm learning things every day - which was so important to me when I was looking for a job. Although I still feel fairly lost in all of this, I'm starting to get a clue.
Also sometimes there's a dog called Monty in the office and I won't lie, it really adds to the experience.
The Important Part...
I really want your biggest take-away from this post to be the importance of taking care of yourself. I'm not gonna say shit like 'You'll find something' because I know everyone is saying that to you right now, and that it does not help to hear those clichés. What I will say is that you are the most important thing throughout this process. You come before anything else. I don't care if the law of averages means the more you apply to the sooner you'll find something - if you sit there for hours at a time applying for jobs, you will lose your mind. It is not healthy to live like that. Make sure you have you time every single day. Go outside. Attempt to socialise multiple times a week. And, most importantly, remember: you have a life outside of finding a job, so make sure you live it.
Good Luck guys, and Take Care
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