Shall we start with a big sigh? Come on, breathe in with me, nice and deep.
Now let it alllll out.
Yep, it's been a year already. A year since I graduated. A year since starting The Graduate Diaries. One big mess of a year.
I can pretty distinctly separate it into quarters, and not just because of the whole global pandemic thing (as I sit down to write this, the UK is on day 100 of lockdown - albeit with measures being gradually lifted). This year can be divided up in a lot of ways, and until sitting down to write this I never really thought about the way my life had been sectioned off. In fact, as I was living it I have often felt as if everything were happening at once and I was never going to be able to handle it all.
But the truth is, you learn to cope with whatever life throws at you...
Quarter 1 - Graduated and Going Nowhere
I started this series not too long after I graduated from university. I'd been applying to jobs throughout my final year and truly thought I'd have something in place for when the year finished.
I didn't.
And it really affected my mental health. It felt like a failure, somehow. Having such a strong academic record, I really thought I'd walk out of uni into whatever career I wanted. Even when you know the films aren't realistic, there's something about the ease with which people get what they want on screen that makes you think life can work just the same.
The reality is, not a lot of people walk out of uni with a job. It just doesn't happen for a lot of people. But I couldn't accept that at the time and as a result I really got myself down. It was probably the most miserable I'd ever been.
I'm forever grateful to a loving family and warm friends for getting me through this period. I'm sure I was difficult to deal with at times, but I can see now how everyone was trying to look out for me in their own way.
Quarter 2 - Welcome to the World of Work
Looking back, it didn't actually take that long to find a job. By September 2019, I was a copywriter at a marketing agency. It was a job I actually wanted!
Kind of. I don't want to go into detail, but the company I worked for was a bit...strange. I'm even tempted to say there was something dodgy about them. Whether there was or wasn't, my position was certainly a changeable one and I felt very at risk more or less from day one; in the 6 months I worked there, 2 people were fired and several made redundant. Not the best first impression of the working world.
It was an incredibly high-pressure environment at times, despite the atmosphere always being very laid back across the team I was in - a contradiction, I know, but the best way to explain working there. The truth is, I never quite settled in at this job. What I worked on changed every couple of months due to the changes in staff, and when I finally got to do the work I had wanted to from the start (writing!), I found nobody was really prepared to show me the ropes...they just trusted that I knew them.
Quarter 3 - Is it time to take the next step? In some ways (and for some people) this would be an amazing way to work. Complete freedom - what could be better?
For me, it was like free-falling. How was I meant to know how to do anything if nobody had shown me how to? Sure, I could write. I was hired on the basis that I could write well. But marketing copy for an electrician company? Engagement emails for a custom toy designer? That's not quite the same as writing blog posts. The high-pressure environment and lack of mentorship were really starting to drain me. I'd never felt so burnt out. Although the writing that I was able to do during this period (January - March 2020) was definitely more in line with what I wanted to do longterm, I felt like it was enough to have learnt this and want to move on. So I started looking for another job.
Quarter 4 - Well Fuck. And then a global pandemic struck.
First I was furloughed, then I was made redundant. I saw it coming from the start, to be honest. Most of my colleagues who were also furloughed said the same. We knew the company wasn't doing well and as we watched the increasingly worrying news stories about coronavirus, we knew the company was at risk. Our jobs were at risk.
I can't say it's been fun since that point, but it's certainly taught me a lot about myself. I like to think I indulged myself in being lazy at first, but it turns out I'm really, really bad at that. Instead of giving myself some time off (which I've been told I'm allowed to do), I got frustrated when I didn't feel like I'd been productive. So I started freelancing on Fiverr. I didn't think anything would come of it, but, as of writing this, I've had over 40 jobs on there. It's not enough to replace my usual paycheck, but it's incredible to be working!
I mean, I've learnt that I could never freelance full-time because I'm bad at letting go of things and prefer to do every piece of work the instant I get it which only makes me stressed and miserable to be around. But otherwise, I've loved it.
Coming Full Circle?
In many ways, being jobless in summer has brought me right back to last year. On the surface, I look to be in basically the same position. Which I guess is why I wanted to write this. To remind myself that it hasn't been a circle. It's more like a spiral staircase. The view from here might be similar to the view of I got last year, but those steps in-between mean that I'm further along, further up than last year.
I have a more clear idea of the kind of job I want and the kind of culture I need in a workplace. I'm a more talented writer. I'm more confident in my abilities (although I'm still not 100% of the way there) and know more about marketing and the role writing plays in it. I've recreated my portfolio to display the incredible work I've done over the last year. And I've kept a blog/bookstagram running through all of it.
Despite it being a bit of a rollercoaster of a year (I haven't even touched on the non-work things), I'm really proud of how far I've come. Sometimes it takes a wrap up like this to remind you that a year ago you were in a different place, you were a different person. Especially in this climate, check in with yourself regularly. You don't have to be doing incredible things or making astounding progress right now. The world has slowed down, and so can you.
Remind yourself of the progress you've made to bring you to this point and let it fuel you for the future.