Rating: 4/5
Spoiler Free! Considering how recently Out of Love was published I figured I'd separate out this review for those who want something spoiler free and those who want to know more. There will be a little warning further down when I get into spoilers, so keep your eyes open!
A little introduction...
Books by YouTubers are a controversial thing. For the most part, I couldn't care less about them - not the non-fiction stuff anyway. I know it's cynical but I think a lot of them are either ghost-written or just a bit...crap?
So I guess the question is why did I invest in Hazel Haye's book?
Well, firstly, I think she's a really cool person. For the last year or 2 I've found so much inspiration in her honesty and willingness to admit when things suck. Throughout this pandemic especially, I've found her candid Instagram stories to be a source of comfort, relating to her "Covid cries" and desire to dress up and feel hot every now and again.
I also think she's a very talented creator. Though I may not love every thing she makes, I've never watched her videos and thought "she's making this for the sake of making content", which can't be said of a lot of people.
And finally, because the premise sounded great. Because sometimes you want a love story. And sometimes, you want a love story that breaks your heart and tears up the definition of love you thought you knew.
On to the review...
From the first chapter, you know this is a love story with a difference.
The opening is full of an almost palpable grief, the descriptions of lost so well articulating a feeling of loss that most people could never explain. It's a universal experience which Hayes manages to not just find the words for, but find words that re-create the feeling within the reader.
One of my favourite things about the opening to Out of Love - which is actually such a small moment that I'm not sure why it stuck with me - is the worry that the protagonist feels about whether she will still love Star Wars after her break-up. A seemingly small concern compared to losing somebody you love, being unable to watch a TV show or read a book series or play a game after a break up all because it was a significant part of the relationship is a surprisingly heartbreaking moment. It was these nuances that made the narrative feel so real and relatable.
On the topic of being "relatable", however, I have to hesitate. The break up itself, along with the closing of the relationship, felt pretty universal in terms of the emotional turmoil the nameless protagonist experiences. On the whole, however, this story felt like it was Hayes' story. There's nothing wrong with bringing autobiographical elements into a novel - plenty of famous authors have done this throughout history - but at times I felt like I was reading a story not just based on Hayes' life but mirroring it. At times, this brought me out of the narrative; I was inadvertently making connecting to what I know Hayes' life rather than enjoying the story for what it was.
Chronologically, Out of Love is a tragic way to look at love, an interesting exploration of the passage of time, and a confusing way to tell a narrative. One of the selling points of this book is the order in which the story is told; it's a love story in reverse. I can't, therefore, claim to be surprised by the fact it was told backwards, but that didn't mean there weren't points at which I had to pause and think about where a character was previously mentioned and in what context they were introduced.
That being said, as a way to tell a love story it is exactly the mix of heartfelt and cynical I would expect from Hayes. When you meet a character at the end, you see them at their worst before you see their best (yes, I am mostly talking about Theo). Of course, this affects how you read them for the rest of the novel, in much the same way rereading a novel takes away the twists.
A lot of the time relationships and the things you accept when you shouldn't can only be understood or questioned when you look backwards. Everyone has had that moment after a breakup when you think "why did I put up with that for so long?" From this point of view, Out of Love is the perfect way to examine the breakdown of a relationship and the growth of those involved (both positively and negatively).
I have to admit, there was a bit in the middle that lost me. I couldn't tell you exactly what it was that made me lost a little bit of interest, but somewhere in the middle I stopped feeling like I understood what the story was about. Part of this, I'm sure was the chronology, but I also felt like the relationship which is at the heart of this book disappeared for large sections of it.
***Spoiler Alert! All sections within the asterisks will contain spoilers!***
Of course, this book is about more than love, it's about all sorts of relationships, about past trauma, about surviving, about learning and growing. But Theo got lost somewhere in the middle, which meant I never truly understood why the protagonist was with him. We see him at the end, not knowing how to deal with his feelings. We see his inability to express what he feels even as early as Maya and Darren's wedding. By the end, we understand how the protagonist and Theo met and how their first date brought them so close because it lasted for days. But I don't really understand how they fell in love. Which, even in a love story as unique as this one, takes away from the romance.
Instead of seeing the way the two characters fall for each other, we learn a lot about the protagonist's mental journey. This was interesting in itself, and definitely something that made me emotionally connect with the nameless protagonist, but felt like it maybe needed a little more framing. I enjoyed learning about the protagonist's mum; the difficulty she faced in her own life, her inability to give names to the things she was experiencing, and the way this affected the rest of her relationships. From here, we see the protagonists own struggle with relationships and how her childhood influenced her as she grew. In the scenes with her therapist Nadia, we learn a lot about how she has been hurt in the past, we see where the anxiety that she experiences throughout the novel is first given a name. But then we get a strange jump to the future, where the character explains that, after the timeline of Out of Love she is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This piece of information felt like it came from nowhere. Nowhere else in the novel do we have a jump to something beyond the timeline we've read which made the detail seem somewhat out of place.
***Spoilers end here!***
There were moments that pulled me out of the narrative, for several different reasons, sure. But there were also moments where I couldn't put the book down. Moments that made me cry. Moments that made me stop and think "shit, this is what love means". And at the end of the day, I guess that's what makes a good love story.
So would I recommend Hazel Hayes' Out of Love?
Yes. Absolutely.
Anyone who has gone through heartbreak will relate to it - though I don't advise reading it too soon after a break up, it might cut a little too close! It's an extremely well-written book, an interesting premise, and an original take on the romance genre.